Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
