Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize
