I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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