Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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