Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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