I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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