her vagine was all disorganized.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
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