I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
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