should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Don't EVER smell your tampon
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
