I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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