I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
