Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Randomize
