2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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