just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
he thought i was a dude.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
