She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
