You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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