some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
