There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
