I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
