dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize
