i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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