If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
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