I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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