I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
