Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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