I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
