I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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