I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
