carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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