Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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