I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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