But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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