we're blogging at a bar
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Randomize
