she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize