A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
