Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
