I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
