i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize