hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
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