Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
