i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
