i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
