i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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