I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
