you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I think your dad took our porno
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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