Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
