She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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