I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
