the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
