you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
