Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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