is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
