I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
