she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
