babies were throwing up all over the place
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Randomize