Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
