Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
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