it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
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