i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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